I love to kiss! Kissing is sexy and intimate. Kissing a beautiful communication without words. Kissing is fun. Since my adolescence I’ve been “studying” every aspect of the kiss. (Perhaps this is TMI, but in my heart of hearts I strive to be the best kisser my partner has ever kissed.)
I made up 6 rules to help you figure out when is the “right” time to kiss someone. The thing is, I don’t really believe in rules, and frequently break rules that I don’t agree with (speed limits, waiting my turn, entering my bank parking lot through the exit and exiting through the entrance, etc.). So, think of these as things to consider, guidelines, useful thoughts on the subject, OK?
RULE 1: There is no “right time” to kiss someone you know you don’t like.
A kiss is a statement. A kiss says “I think I like you, maybe even care about you, am potentially interested in you, want to know you better”. When we kiss someone we don’t like, we are telling a lie.
RULE 2: A kiss is an intimate act.
Intimacy, say the word aloud and it sounds like IN-TO-ME-YOU-SEE. If you feel unsafe, guarded, walled up, self-hating, then the kiss is a waste of time. If you are pretending to be cool, pretending to be more sexually experienced than you are, pretending to be the person you think s/he would want to kiss, then the kiss is a waste of time. Let him/her really see you. Be real. Be yourself. You are enough.
RULE 3: A kiss is a bio-chemical test.
Scientists actually study kissing (the field is called philematology). Scientists are exploring the links between the behavior (kissing) and changes in our brain chemistry, including reduced cortisol (stress hormone), increased oxytocin (bonding hormone), released endorphins (ecstasy hormone), and more. Unconsciously, our kisses tell our brain about fertility and estrogen levels, as well as information about our immune systems. There’s also evidence that swapping saliva is a way to increase (slightly) testosterone levels, which often increases libido. And all this is happening below the level of conscious thought!
If you don’t like his/her smell, or you just don’t want to kiss, even though there’s no good reason not to, pay attention. If the biochemistry is wrong, your body will tell you by having you feel disinterested or even creeped out. If the biochemistry is right, desire will usually be present.
RULE 4: Feeling an almost overwhelming urge to kiss someone is a great time to kiss.
Attraction is really complex. There’s psychology, and brain chemistry, and scent, and all kinds of things fueling our sense of attraction. Analysis is paralysis! While you are trying to figure out why you are attracted, you are probably killing the moment. Trust that the reason you want to kiss isn’t as important as the feeling that you want to kiss.
RULE 5: Desire is most often an aphrodisiac.
You want to be wanted. So does s/he. I know that there is lot of advice out there about “playing it cool” or “playing hard to get”, but by and large, “playing” anything is a losing strategy. Let your date know that you feel desire for him/her. Ask if s/he feels it, too. Then move your faces closer and say something direct like “I really want to kiss you right now.” If s/he says something like “Yeah, me too,” then kiss.
RULE 6: Kissing without consent is one of those things that you see in the movies or you’ve gotten away with in the past, that is, in fact, a kind of violation. Don’t do it.
So, when is the right time for this kiss? As soon as you notice that you like this person and would like to share your time, feelings, energy, etc., it’s time to kiss. As soon as you get up the nerve to ask, and s/he says yes, it’s time to kiss. Sometimes it happens the moment you meet. Sometimes it happens as you talk. Sometimes it happens as you dance.
If it hasn’t happened by the time you are saying goodnight, and you want it to happen, go ahead, take the risk, ask for the kiss. You’ll be glad you did.